i am so confused!
 
i am in a bit of a quandry.  i've been having a few doubts about my new job and all, as you all know.  today south jhs called me to interview next week for the science position. 
 
so i have interviews with ball jhs and south jhs because i think fate is trying to send me a sign or the stars are about to spell something out for me.  is this all incredibly insane?  it feels like a serendipity moment. 
 
i've always believed that things happen for a reason, but just because they happen for a reason doesn't necessarily mean i will ever actually understand that reason.  it's not like i've been offered a job or anything, but if they do offer me a job then i will have a giant question mark over my head and i will really have no idea of what to do.  mr. wilmoth told me to make a good old fashioned pro/con list and to keep my options open.  and that it should really all come down to whether it feels right.   esperanza feels right...unquestionably right?  no...but will any offer i get feel that way?  probably not.  if i even get an offer from anaheim, who is to say this will feel right?  lately with the way the summer kids are acting, i feel like maybe it would be wonderful to have less discipline problems and to get students who really want to learn.  i know summer school is miserable for everyone, and remediation kids are tough, but i somehow don't think this would be as much of a problem at esperanza. 
 
i think the biggest question for me is whether the low pay is a better trade off for more disciplined students.  if you ask me now, it's yes.  however, i know that during the school year i won't have such misery in all classes no matter where i am.  and i do feel like i can make a special connection to the lower achieving students - although summer school has proved me wrong.  it just makes me so sad to know that with all my positive energy and hard work that so many of the students are so willing to not work and pass this class.  now i don't really look forward to going to school as before because i constantly worry and have to use the yelling/scolding voice - which i hate.  i think i am in no condition to make a decision over the rest of my career now.  i think that summer school will end in 2 weeks, i will have some sort of mini-vacation to actually vegetate and relax a bit.  i wish i didn't accept the job so soon and told them that i need to think about it.  i usually don't rush into anything, but i gave a hurried answer because of my anxiety over not getting an interview, let alone an offer, anywhere else. 
 
right now, i am tired and don't want to think of it much anymore.  some things just need to be said and left alone i think. 
 
i still need to write up my whirlwind review of mayer and all the loveliness of the concerts.  i also need to get more sleep, eat a regular meal and smile more.  bye for now...the reviews will be in tonite!  =)