so today was my first day as an official substitute...

now, since this just happened today, my perspective on things may be fuzzy but i think i've come to the point where i can be objective and analytical [but of course critical of myself]. i substituted for my female master teacher...which is great. it's something that i want to do because i think it will give me a good means to practice...but i neglected to mention how today was also my second evaluation day! the last for the semester...yikes.

now, i truly believe that she would not have called me to substitute if it were not for something unavoidable because she absolutely knew that i was being evaluated today, for 6th period nonetheless. so, i got the call at about 530 am to come in...she called me at 6am...and i came in first thing this morning. i was completely unprepared, was not familiar with the bio material to be discussed that day, and on top of that i still needed to prepare some more for 6th period...so obviously i was freaking out. =) and my other master teacher saw how high strung i was...but i think i had every reason to be that way...he said i would do fine.

and actually it was fine...with the exception of the classes i actually teach...3rd and 6th. but the rest of the day was fine...1st and 2nd were great...very polite, quiet and worked the whole period...3rd was just not nice today and lazy as usual...5th was talkative but cooperative and worked...6th was noisy, somewhat nutty...and i made threats that i did not follow through on, which is absolutely horrible because if you say one thing you better stick to it...but it's hard cuz the teacher never punishes or disciplines them for similar behavior so how can i be so authoritative is she is not? i don't know...that is where my reluctance to discipline comes from...but i will talk about it with her and see what i can do...

so teaching the whole day felt ok...as the day went on, i felt more and more comfortable with the material and i think perhaps the students sort of got it..i only hope so. i tried to take the complexity of light dependent reactions and put them into terms they could get...but who knows how successful i was. my timing for lecturing was pretty on the ball, except for 6th...but they were antsy and noisy and like i said, meaningless threats made. after i talk to my teacher when she gets back, i will talk to her about respect from the students, sticking to rules and punishing them for not following them...i am determined. i don't want them to walk all over me and think they can get away with treating me like this when i offer them the respect they deserve. booo on some of these kids...

like i said, i was evaluated for 6th today...and it went disastrously...it seems to whenever i'm observed. it just feels like the kids know and purposely try to crush me...although this is probably my imagination. i talked to my supervisor and he talked about things for me to keep in mind, to use in my own classroom...and he understood that sometimes things go the way they go because it was either a bad day or that's how it usually is - it's what the kids are accustomed to doing and there's nothing i can really do because it's not truly my class...and even if i do take over at the semester, on a technicality it's still not my class...so he said to just keep these things in mind for the future and try to implement things where and if i can...my supervisor is a nice man.

i think what i can take from today is that...despite all the stress, the pressure, the bad behavior and someone evaluating me during the bad behavior...and my desire to still want to go back and teach...i think i'll make it. i need to tweek some things and kick some student patooties into shape, but i think it will be ok. there were some highlights i think...

the students in the other periods seemed to like me and take me seriously...they were nice and asked questions. i talked to some of my regular fifth period students from my normal class during lunch about their quizzes and they all seemed to be ok with it and thanked me for helping them review...and a girl in my third period came up to me during lunch and apologized for how 3rd period treated me today. my male master teacher visited me after 3rd and threw some candy at me...and actually, he told my regular 5th period to come over, say hi and wish me luck and a lot of them actually did...it was so nice...and i think that gave me that little boost of confidence and a happy smile to start 6th period. my teacher also came right before 6th to wish me luck and came after school to talk with me...which were all nice and wonderful things that happened today and i am happy about. it just felt great to see how students responded to me..both the good and the bad. i feel like i belong...plus, it was pretty awesome teaching the whole day and feeling like a real teacher with my own class. it was empowering almost...until some tried to crush my happy spirit. hehe..

despite my frustrations with whatever happened today, i will look at the good things that happened and associate those with my first day of substituting. =)